Week four’s costume lecture ended our argument about a five-step mobile onboarding. We still ship slowly. I am glad the defence forbade slides.
Nia Owusu · Android lead, Cardiff
Flagship programme
Product Telemetry Studio
Six weeks for one live app surface. You will delete names, write better ones, and sit still while someone reads your schema aloud.
The studio is built for product managers, staff designers, and analytics leads who already ship. If you have never looked at your event stream, start with a Pulse Audit instead.
Modules
- 01
Inventory without mercy
Export what you already emit. Mark ownerless events. The homework is a strike-through list, not a new dashboard.
- 02
Verbs that survive a redesign
Event copy as product language. Past tense, objects that exist, versions when a meaning shifts.
- 03
The first honest cohort
Choose a start, a return, and a window. Live with the boredom of that choice for the rest of the programme.
- 04
Funnels and other costumes
Optional steps, skipped permissions, and charts that flatter onboarding. You will retire at least one step on paper.
- 05
Properties on a ration
Identity, consent, and the join you should not do. United Kingdom legal common sense, not a law degree.
- 06
Defence
A twenty-minute reading of what you will not measure. External reader present. No slides with stock photography.
What you should be able to do
- Explain every remaining event in one spoken sentence
- Show a cohort definition that a new hire can reproduce
- Name three things the company will stop counting
- Write a change log when a property meaning drifts
Tutor
Dr Imogen Harrow
Imogen led product analytics at a London payments firm before moving north. She marks schemas the way she once marked papers: circling verbs that pretend to be nouns. She does not certify vendor tools.
Questions we actually get
Do I need SQL?
Enough to read a count and a join. The studio is not a warehouse bootcamp. If you cannot run a basic query, we will say so before you pay an invoice.
Can my whole squad join?
Up to two people from the same app may share a Cartographer Seat if they submit one taxonomy. Three or more belongs in the Observatory Residency.
What will this not do?
It will not make a noisy product look healthy. If activation is genuinely weak, the honest cohort will show it. That limitation is the point, and some teams find it politically expensive inside their company. We will not rewrite the numbers to soothe a board pack.
When is the next cohort?
The next closed group opens 14 September 2026. Write to the studio with the surface you want to instrument.
★★★★☆
Imogen’s property ration felt arbitrary until support started using the dictionary. I wanted more time on warehouse modelling; that is not this room.
Sam · Glasgow